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My room mate has been moving things around lately and I have just had it with it. I talked to her today about it. She asked if I would be ok with moving if she paid for the transfer fee I said yes before she could finish her sentence. So I hope to God that I can get out of this hell of a living situation and back by myself. I want to get a bigger apartment than I had before when i was on my own. I can still afford it which is great. I hope they say I can move tomorrow that would be AMAZING. I would seriously stay up all night packing and get the hell out of here first thing that morning. Forget school and work just get me out of here! |
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| One day we shall all be ridiculously happy and carefree. We shall all run carefree through fields of flowers we will frolic and dance. One day I will be beautiful and happy. I will have recovered life. One day I will be a loving mother and wife. I will have the most beautiful children. I will love them with all of my heart. I will protect them with my last breath.
I dreamt last night that I saw my friend from high school and the teacher we had together when we first met. We were both really close with this teacher. I dreamt we were at a picnic together and I was pregnant. Which is very odd because I’m still a virgin. I wasn’t really showing or anything but in my dream I could feel the baby moving. It was the most magical and scary feeling ever. I know it was a dream but still. I can’t wait to be a mommy. As soon as I’m done with school I want to start having kids. Rusty and I plan on waiting to get married until he is done with school so about 2 or 3 more years. I should be starting graduate school around then. Hopefully I won’t get pregnant during grad school but if we do then we will take it in stride.
There are some things children should never have to endure. No child should have to worry about being abused, or molested. Children are the best of adults. They are so innocent and carefree. They are a combination of all the qualities we lose growing up. We get too busy or too tired for such things. A child’s innocence is one thing that should not be stolen. No child should ever go hungry. We live in a country with more than enough food. All children deserve new clothes and shoes. They all deserve loving homes with parents and warm beds. My boyfriend grew up very poor. He never had sheets as a child and occasionally had to go hungry. He still doesn’t have sheets or a bed. I have always had sheets at least 2 or 3 sets of sheets and a comfortable bed to sleep in with out a worry of having enough food to eat or if I was going to have my next meal. Its just things like sheets and food that we take for granted and some kids have to go without. It breaks my heart. Where does the boundary of when family should help and when society should help meet? If you have a family member having to go without you should help them. When it boils down to it your family is the only people you truly have in life.
There are some things in life that you just have to do. You do what you have to do to get through. Some things must be done at all costs. You must take care of your family and protect them at all costs. You hear all the time about these parents who spend all their money on themselves doing this and that, on stuff they don’t even need while their kids do without. They will spend the money on going out or something when their child needs new glasses or to go to the dentist. If there is a breath in my chest my children will be provided for. I will work 4 jobs if I have to. If my child needs hospital care and I can’t afford it I will get another job and they will not feel guilty about it. It is my job as a parent to take care of that need. I would sell my dream house, my kidneys if I had to for my child to get what they needed. When you become a mother you take on that responsibility. You take the responsibility of dropping everything you need and only meeting your needs after your children’s are met.
There are some things in life that no one should have to do. A mother should never have to endure the pain of losing a child. It’s one thing to lose a parent or spouse but a child.. we count on them being here long after we are gone: living, growing, thriving, loving, laughing, and experiencing life. We bring these beautiful little babies in the world and we have all these hopes and dreams for them. They are so full of life and joy. We expect to see them to grow up and walk across the stage on graduation day, and down the isle. We want to see them every Christmas and bring our grandbabies over for us to spoil. We want to get them from the cradle to adulthood as safely and as painlessly as possible. Unfortunately that is not possible. It is inevitable life is full of pain and hard times. We can’t protect them from the bad things in life and later on from themselves. Its apart of loving and learning, and finally letting them go.
I’m so disgusted with having a room mate right now. Never ever get a room mate if at all possible. I was living alone perfectly comfortably and now I am stuck living with a disgusting, irresponsible slob. She can’t even remember to take her own rent to the front office. I own everything and I have to clean up everything. Its utterly maddening. I work two jobs ( 7 days a week), have a boyfriend and go to school full time. She can’t even manage to pick up her own dirty dishes. I work 2 jobs and all that and still manage to find time to clean the house. Everything stays where it lands. Actually I’m more or less disgusted people and myself. I don’t like her anymore. She was catholic now she is a Christian and I liked her better catholic sadly. She now acts like she is all high and mighty. Her boyfriend had the nerve to say to me when I kissed Rusty oh I’m saving my first kiss for marriage. Act like I was doing something wrong. There is NO WHERE in the bible that says you can’t kiss your boyfriend sex yes but that’s a whole different story. I just couldn’t believe he had the nerve to act like kissing is wrong like he is better than I am. I don’t judge him why does he judge me.
We are doing food journals for nutrition. I emailed my professor about what I should do about purging and such. Then I get an email back from her saying she wants to meet with me. So we scheduled a meeting and basically she just wanted to make sure I was ok and that I was seeing a professional about this. I told her yes since 2007 and how long my ed had been going on etc etc. I wanted an alternative assignment I didn’t directly ask but I hinted at it and I even told her how I had purged after we started doing the journals for the first time in like 7 months and I still have to do it just like everyone even though it is triggering me tremendously. She told me if I ever needed to talk just come to her she would be glad to help. I may need it. I’m done with clinic now…I hope it stays that way. I don’t know what the heck is wrong with my body but I keep gaining weight.. OMG I’ve maxed out then maxed out again... and again. I can’t take it. If I gain another pound I’m going to blow up and never eat ever again.
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| I just purged for the first time since before I went in the hospital. |
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| I just searched for my size bra on walmart.com and it kept coming up with maternity bras... 
I feel like I'm slowly slipping back into the fog, I don't want the combine to get me and turn me into an old rusty machine. I won't submit to the authority of the combine... but the fog is so heavy and safe.
Why can't I allow myself to be happy? I don't under it. No matter what I never allow myself to find happiness. I'm in love with Rusty but there is still this deep down feeling that things will soon fall to crap and be normal, not good. |
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